Kierkegaard's Toilet

WAYS TO TURN MEN DOWN

2011-07-12T10:11:00.000-07:00

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.

HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.

HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

Virginia O'Brien – Say That We'll Be Sweethearts Again

2011-07-01T03:44:00.000-07:00

Lunchtime

2011-07-01T03:39:00.000-07:00

Hah Hah Hah – Jokes Sure To Improve Your Popularity

2011-07-01T03:31:00.000-07:00

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don't do dick.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade — who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F-word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."; a southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

¡Viva Calaca!. Day of the Dead

2011-06-30T09:24:00.001-07:00

A Fit Body Is A Beautiful Body

2011-06-30T09:19:00.000-07:00

It's the Law!

2011-06-30T09:12:00.000-07:00

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Where The Hell Is Matt?

2011-06-29T02:13:00.000-07:00

Who cares if you've seen it a thousand times, here it is again: "14 months in the making, 42 countries, and a cast of thousands."
Check out his website to find out more info about him and his project, where he is and where you might dance with him.

Please, Jesus...

2011-06-29T02:06:00.001-07:00

Poetry by Sex

2011-06-29T01:56:00.000-07:00

FEMALE POEM
I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I want him to be gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, be not annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind
And knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MALE POEM
I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

Trailer: Zombie Jesus

2011-06-28T05:27:00.001-07:00

Are You Gay?

2011-06-28T05:23:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends and Relatives

2011-06-28T05:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends and Relatives,

I thought that I should share the news with you that I have finally seen the light and realized that, amongst other things, The Bible is indeed the way. It does so much to educate people regarding God's law. I have learned a great deal from it as of recent and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination.

Still, some points remain mysterious to me – probably due to my heathen past – and I thought that some fellow Americans still living in God’s Chosen Country could help supply the answers. Perhaps some of you could help me regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them:

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are from neighboring nations. A friend of mine from the US claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not to Canadians. Can anyone clarify? Why can't he own Canadians? Likewise, the owner of the snack bar downstairs says we are allowed to purchase the Italian and Swiss, but not the Danish, Dutch, French, Polish, Luxembourgian or Czech. Why is that? The Polish are woman much better looking than the Dutch…

2. Not that I yet have one, but if I did have a daughter and I wanted to sell her into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7, in this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? Are implants a justifiable reason to charge more?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is: how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors next door. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. The neighbors downstairs insist on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states that they should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill them myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there "degrees" of abomination? And although there are surely some vegetarians amongst them, surely we should punish the Japanese en mass for inventing Sushi… or was the earthquake and Fukishima enough? And what about the French and frog legs? Should we not declare war upon them?

7. Luckily, my testicles are fine, but Lev. 21:20 also states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them (Lev. 24:10-16)? Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws (Lev. 20:14)?

I am sure that someone amongst you has studied the Good Book much longer than I and thus enjoys considerable more expertise in such matters, so I am confident that someone can help. I await to learn more of God’s Wisdom.

Love, and remember: God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your Favorite Martian — Zombie Love Song

2011-06-27T04:42:00.000-07:00

Big Hair

2011-06-27T04:33:00.001-07:00

Urban Legend: Quotes Taken From Actual Federal Employee Performance Evaluations

2011-06-27T04:30:00.000-07:00

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

"This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

"A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

"He's been working with glue too much."

"He would argue with a signpost."

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

"A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

"He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

"It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

"One neuron short of a synapse."

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

"Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

Film Excerpt: Gold Diggers of 1935 – Lulliby of Broadway

2011-06-24T09:47:00.000-07:00

The World's Best Blog / The World's Worst Blog

2011-06-24T09:40:00.001-07:00

I almost don't care whether it's a hoax or for real, but when it doesn't make me laugh it makes me drop my jaw in pure shock or feel ashamed for being from the USA: STR† THE FREEDOM BLOG.

50 Phrases You Wish You Could Say At Work

2011-06-24T09:36:00.000-07:00

1. Ahhh…I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again…
2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…
8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.
14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
24. You sound reasonable… Time to up the medication.
25. Who me? I just wander from room to room
26. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be…?
27.Do I look like a people person?
28. This isn’t an office. It‘s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
29. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
31. You!… Off my planet!
32. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
33. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
34. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
35. Allow me to introduce my selves.
36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
37.Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
38. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
40. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
41. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
42. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
43. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door 1?
44. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
45. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
46. Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
47.How do I set a laser printer to stun?
48. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
49. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
50. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Things to keep in mind if you ever go to a Bath House

2009-12-17T06:08:00.000-08:00

RULES OF THE BATHS

People wearing jockstraps tend to make it with other people wearing jockstraps. Nobody makes it with people wearing pink bikinis.

You can have a heart attack fucking in the whirlpool.

It is extremely hazardous to your health to attempt to inhale poppers while under water.

Saying "I'm resting" to everyone who seeks entry into your room defeats the purpose of going to the baths.

If everyone who said "I don't come here often" was telling the truth, there would be no one there.

Those who lay naked on their stomachs with their asses in the air remind one of electric pencil sharpeners.

Conversations in the orgy room should be kept to a minimum. Grunts, groans, notices that "I'm coming," and invitations to do it in a room instead are acceptable; discussions of the weather, ex-lovers, favorite lubricants, the quality of the darkness, and the pros and cons of cockrings are not.

If you are looking for a wonderfully spiritual union with a kindred spirit, you are in the wrong place.

Do not assume that the guys walking into walls are on some weird new drug; most likely, they have just left their glasses in their lockers. It is better to look good than to see good.

Once in a while, do your good deed for the gay: let an old troll suck your cock. Such magnanimous gestures are duly recorded by the Great Faggot in the Sky, and when you are an old troll, the favors will be returned in kind. Yes, Virginia, that's the way it works.

Please realize that bathrooms, even those at the tubs, do have legitimate purposes. Giving someone a blowjob in a cubicle while outside the locked door seven guys are turning various shades of green will not make you popular.

If you are tempted to wear a Lacoste shirt with your towel, understand that many people would find it a capital offense.

Finish what you start.

If you see a man in a room with a can of Crisco, a thick belt, and a bottle of poppers neatly arrayed on the little table before entering be certain you know the purpose of all three items.

When it's past the wrist is not the time to say "no".

It's okay to bring your own rope; it's not okay to tie yourself up.

Spending seventy-two consecutive hours at the tubs will neither destroy your reputation nor greatly enhance it.

If you are at the baths busily cheating on your lover, don't make a scene should you discover him there.

If you are at the baths and you see your father there, tell him you're resting.

If you are at the baths and you see your boss there, it is best not to blackmail him. Just do whatever he says. Trust me Virginia, you'll be rewarded on your next bonus or salary increase.

If you are at the baths and you see your brother there, head for the darkest corner - especially if you have all straight porn at home.

If you are at the baths and you see your Uncle, you might as well just leave - you know how much Uncles fuck you over.

People who say, "I've never done that before," should be informed that the ability to deep throat is not genetic.

Those who lose the keys to their rooms or lockers are never heard from again.

The law of increasing good looks: People tend to become more attractive the longer you are there.

In the dark all cats are gray, but ten inches is still better than six inches.

Men with small cocks can be sexually tremendous if they are technically proficient, but men with big dicks don't have to know a damn thing.

Doing it for England is as valid a reason for doing it as any.

A primitive tribe in Borneo does not have a word for "no" in its language. Natives deny sexual favors by looking mournful and saying, "I'd like to, but I just came."

After you've been fucked by twelve guys in the orgy room, you will never again convince anyone with your coy routine.

Asking to borrow someone's cockring is even more tasteless than asking to borrow someone's comb.

Law of maximum discomfort: When they call your room number or locker number to the front desk you will inevitably be in a position impossible to get out of quickly without seriously injuring yourself.

You can cause a panic by yelling, "There's a man in room 379!"

For a real hoot, go to the baths without having used alcohol or drugs. It is truly amazing how fabulously you will be able to make out when you are the only one there in a solid state.

Giggling is not a correct response to, "Wanna fuck?"

If you can remember the title of the porno movie that was showing in the "rest section", you did not have a good time.

It is pointless to consider why guys who won't even talk to you at the bars are so eager to suck your cock at the baths.

Spending more than two hours with one number at the baths makes you two "an item." More than four hours makes you engaged. On a good night, it is possible to commit bigamy.

For some unknown reason, it is considered embarrassing to make it with someone you already know.

No one ever believes the line, "We're really not lovers."

At all times, remember that tubbing is a participation, not a spectator sport. (Hmm… Olympics here we come.)

Spending hours deciding what to wear to the tubs is a particularly inane waste of time.

Never, NEVER, NEVER try to explain the baths to heterosexuals.

Possession of more than three bath cards makes you a serious faggot.

George's law of the weight room: People working out are doing it for your benefit, not theirs.

Formal attire means a black jockstrap.

Contrary to popular belief, one can indeed be too clean.

You can never be too rich, too muscular, or have too big of a dick.

Believe it or not, it is possible to have good sex without using poppers. A man in New Jersey claims to do it all the time.

And those are the Rules of the Baths. Use them wisely and pass the knowledge along to those newcomers who may need it.

Music Video: Boys And Girls (Ode To Ed Wood)

2009-12-17T06:06:00.001-08:00

Music video by Jack Lukeman from his album Metropolis Blue on the label Razor & Tie.
It's a song I could have easily sung myself once upon a time…

Jokes for the Ladies

2009-12-17T06:03:00.000-08:00

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor.

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manual."

LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES: USE BIRTH CONTROL.

2009-12-17T06:02:00.000-08:00

The Whys of Men

2009-12-17T05:59:00.000-08:00

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?

(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapour lock)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

(don't know.....it never happened)

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Simon's Sister's Dog 'Fed Up'

2009-12-17T05:58:00.001-08:00

Journal Dog, Journal Cat

2009-12-17T05:56:00.000-08:00

"Excerpts from a Dog's Diary"
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

"Excerpts from a Cat's Diary"
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.
For now...

Simon’s Cat

2009-12-17T05:55:00.000-08:00

Gay Wisdom

2009-12-17T05:49:00.000-08:00

If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in sick to work: "Hello. Can't work today, still queer."

Robin Tyler

I'd rather be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother.

Charles Pierce

"Dear Abby," In response to a reader who complained that a gay couple was moving in across the street and wanted to know what he could do to improve the quality of the neighborhood: 'You could move.'

Abigail Van Buren

The one bonus of not lifting the ban on gays in the military is that the next time the government mandates a draft, we can all declare we are homosexual instead of running off to Canada.

Lorne Bloch

Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?"

Jon Stewart

My lesbianism is an act of Christian charity. All those women out there praying for a man, and I'm giving them my share.

Rita Mae Brown

Soldiers who are not afraid of guns, bombs, capture, torture or death say they are afraid of homosexuals. Clearly we should not be used as soldiers; we should be used as weapons.

Letter to the Editor, The Advocate

You don't have to be straight to be in the military; you just have to be able to shoot straight.
Barry Goldwater

Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands?

Ernest Gaines

My own belief is that there is hardly anyone whose sexual life, if it were broadcast, would not fill the world at large with surprise and horror.

W. Somerset Maugham

Drag is when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.

Author Unknown

If male homosexuals are called "gay," then female homosexuals should be called "ecstatic."

Shelly Roberts

My mother took me to a psychiatrist when I was fifteen because she thought I was a latent homosexual. There was nothing latent about it.

Amanda Bearse

It always seemed to me a bit pointless to disapprove of homosexuality. It's like disapproving of rain....

Francis Maude

The only queer people are those who don't love anybody....

Rita Mae Brown

The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision.

Lynn Lavner

If Michelangelo had been straight, the Sistine Chapel would have been wallpapered.

Robin Tyler

Pronouns make it hard to keep our sexual orientation a secret when our co-workers ask us about our weekend. "I had a great time with... them." Great! Now they don't think you're queer - just a big slut!

Judy Carter

I get sick of listening to straight people complain about, "Well, hey, we don't have a heterosexual-pride day, why do you need a gay-pride day?" I remember when I was a kid I'd always ask my mom: "Why don't we have a Kid's Day? We have a Mother's Day and a Father's Day, but why don't we have a Kid's Day?" My mom would always say, "Every day is Kid's Day." To all those heterosexuals that bitch about gay pride, I say the same thing: Every day is heterosexual-pride day! Can't you people enjoy your banquet and not pee on those of us enjoying our crumbs over here in the corner?

Adam Row

2009-12-17T05:47:00.000-08:00

How to entertain yourself while your wife/gf/partner/female friend/mother is taking her time shopping

2009-12-17T05:43:00.000-08:00

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies toilet.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone: "Code 3 in Housewares..." and see what happens.
5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on credit.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set-up a tent in the Camping Department ...... and tell other shoppers you are sleeping over and invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bedding Department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.
10. While handling large knives in the Kitchen Dept, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are located.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the theme from Mission Impossible.
12. Hide in a clothing rack . . . and when people browse through, say: "PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!"
13. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, hit the floor and assume the fetal position and scream "NO!...It's those voices again!!!"

And last but not least:
14. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while... then yell loudly: "There's no paper in here!"

Advertisement: Evian Roller Babies (international version)

2009-12-17T05:42:00.001-08:00

FOR LEXOPHILES & DRIVERS

2009-12-17T05:23:00.000-08:00

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

Yet Another Condom Advertisement

2009-12-17T05:21:00.000-08:00

KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO

2009-12-17T05:17:00.000-08:00

Alabama
Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.

Alaska
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona
But It's A Dry Heat.

Arkansas
Literacy Ain't Everything.

California
By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.

Colorado
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.

Connecticut
Like Massachusetts,
Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet.

Delaware
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.

Florida
Ask Us About Our Grandkids.

Georgia
We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.

Hawaii
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)

Idaho
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good.

Illinois
Please, Don't Pronounce the "S".

Indiana
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free.

Iowa
We Do Amazing Things With Corn.

Kansas
First Of The Rectangle States.

Kentucky
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names.

Louisiana
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos,
But That's Our Tourism Campaign.

Maine
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster.

Maryland
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It.

Massachusetts
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's.

Michigan
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians.

Minnesota
10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes.

Mississippi
Come And Feel Better About Your Own State.

Missouri
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work.

Montana
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies,
and Very Little Else.

Nebraska
Ask About Our State Motto Contest.

Nevada
Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire
Go Away And Leave Us Alone.

New Jersey
You Want A ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets.

New York
You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
You Have The Right To An Attorney...

North Carolina
Tobacco Is A Vegetable.

North Dakota
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio
At Least We're Not Michigan.

Oklahoma
Like The Play, But No Singing.

Oregon
Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner.

Pennsylvania
Cook With Coal.

Rhode Island
We're Not REALLY An Island.

South Carolina
Remember The Civil War?
Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet.

South Dakota
Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee
The Edyoocashun State.

Texas
Se Hablo Ingles.

Utah
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus.

Vermont
Ay, Yep.

Virginia
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington
We have more rain than you do.

West Virginia
One Big Happy Family...Really!

Wisconsin
Come Cut The Cheese!

Wyoming
Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared.

Raquel Welch: Space-Girl Dance

2009-12-17T05:15:00.001-08:00

19 CLUES (For Women) YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO GO HOME WHEN......

2009-12-17T05:13:00.000-08:00

1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.
2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your pants up in the washroom.
3. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's ass.
4. In your last trip to "pee" you realize you now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago.
5. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.
6. You start crying.
7. There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.
8. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.
9. The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. You've forgotten where you live.
12. You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from the cigarettes you've smoked because (as you've mentioned like 10x's by now) you only smoke when you drink.
13. You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the gin or vodka.
14. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.
15. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
16. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.
17. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. You're tired so you just sit on the floor (and why not!).
19. You show your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to.

Trailer: The Pink Angels

2009-12-17T05:11:00.000-08:00

Yes, this movie is for real.

Not Funny: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

2009-12-17T05:09:00.000-08:00

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do

Music Video: Steel Panther - Death To All But Metal – UNCENSORED

2009-12-17T05:07:00.001-08:00

For My German Readers:

2009-12-17T05:05:00.000-08:00

Frage: WARUM ÜBERQUERTE DAS HUHN DIE STRASSE?

KINDERGÄRTNERIN:
> Um auf die andere Straßenseite zu kommen.

PLATO:
> Für ein bedeutenderes Gut.

ARISTOTELES:
> Es ist die Natur von Hühnern, Straßen zu überqueren.

KARL MARX:
> Es war historisch unvermeidlich.

TIMOTHY LEARY:
> Weil das der einzige Ausflug war, den das Establishment dem Huhn zugestehen wollte.

RONALD REAGAN:
> Hab ich vergessen.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
> Um dahin zu gehen, wo noch kein Huhn vorher war.

HIPPOKRATES:
> Wegen eines Überschusses an Trägheit in ihrer Bauchspeicheldrüse.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING:
> Deregulierung auf der Straßenseite des Huhns bedrohte seine dominante Marktposition. Das Huhn sah sich signifikanten Herausforderungen gegenüber, die Kompetenzen zu entwickeln, die erforderlich sind, um in den neuen Wettbewerbsmärkten bestehen zu können. In einer partnerschaftlichen Zusammenarbeit mit dem Klienten hat Andersen Consulting dem Huhn geholfen, eine physische Distributionsstrategie und Umsetzungsprozesse zu überdenken. Unter Verwendung des Geflügel-Integrationsmodells (GIM) hat Andersen dem Huhn geholfen, seine Fähigkeiten, Methodologien, Wissen, Kapital und Erfahrung einzusetzen, um die Mitarbeiter, Prozesse und Technologien des Huhns für die Unterstützung seiner Gesamtstrategie innerhalb des Programm-Management-Rahmens auszurichten. Andersen Consulting zog ein diverses Cross-Spektrum von Straßen-Analysten und besten Hühnern sowie Andersen-Beratern mit breitgefächerten Erfahrungen in der Transport industrie heran, die in 2tägigen Besprechungen ihr persönliches Wissenskapital sowohl stillschweigend als auch deutlich auf ein gemeinsames Niveau brachten und die Synergien herstellten, um das unbedingte Ziel zu erreichen, nämlich die Erarbeitung und Umsetzung eines unternehmensweiten Werterahmens innerhalb des mittleren Geflügelprozesses. Die Besprechungen fanden in einer parkähnlichen Umgebung statt, um eine wirkungsvolle Testatmosphäre zu erhalten, die auf Strategien basiert, auf die Industrie fokussiert ist, und auf eine konsistente, klare und einzigartige Marktaussage hinausläuft. Andersen Consulting hat dem Huhn geholfen, sich zu verändern, um erfolgreicher zu werden.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN:
> Sehen Sie, die Straße repräsentiert den schwarzen Mann. Das Huhn "überquerte" den schwarzen Mann, um auf ihm herumzutrampeln und ihn niedrig zu halten.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
> Ich sehe eine Welt, in der alle Hühner frei sein werden, Straßen zu überqueren, ohne daß ihre Motive in Frage gestellt werden.

MOSES:
> Und Gott kam vom Himmel herunter, und Er sprach zu dem Huhn: "Du sollst die Straße überqueren". Und das Huhn überquerte die Straße, und es gab großes Frohlocken.

FOX MULDER:
> Sie haben das Huhn mit Ihren eigenen Augen die Straße überqueren sehen. Wieviele Hühner müssen noch die Straße überqueren, bevor Sie es glauben?

RICHARD M. NIXON:
> Das Huhn hat die Straße nicht überquert. Ich wiederhole, das Huhn hat die Straße NICHT überquert.

MACHIAVELLI:
> Das Entscheidende ist, daß das Huhn die Straße überquert hat. Wer interessiert sich für den Grund? Die Überquerung der Straße rechtfertigt jegliche möglichen Motive.

JERRY SEINFELD:
> Warum überquert irgend jemand eine Straße? Ich meine, warum kommt niemand darauf zu fragen "Was zum Teufel hat dieses Huhn da überhaupt gemacht?"

FREUD:
> Die Tatsache, daß Sie sich überhaupt mit der Frage beschäftigen, daß das Huhn die Straße überquerte, offenbart Ihre unterschwellige sexuelle Unsicherheit.

BILL GATES:
> Ich habe gerade das neue Huhn Office 2000 herausgebracht, das nicht nur die Straße überqueren, sondern auch Eier legen, wichtige Dokumente verwalten und Ihren Kontostand ausgleichen wird.

OLIVER STONE:
> Die Frage ist nicht "Warum überquerte das Huhn die Straße?", sondern, "Wer überquerte die Straße zur gleichen Zeit, den wir in unserer Hast übersehen haben, während wir das Huhn beobachteten?".

DARWIN:
> Hühner wurden über eine große Zeitspanne von der Natur in der Art ausgewählt, daß sie jetzt genetisch bereit sind, Straßen zu überqueren.

EINSTEIN:
> Ob das Huhn die Straße überquert hat oder die Straße sich unter dem Huhn bewegte, hängt von Ihrem Referenzrahmen ab.

BUDDHA:
> Mit dieser Frage verleugnest Du Deine eigene Hühnernatur.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON:
> Das Huhn überquerte die Straße nicht ... es transzendierte sie.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
> Um zu sterben. Im Regen.

COLONEL SANDERS:
> Ich hab eines übersehen?

BILL CLINTON:
> Ich war zu keiner Zeit mit diesem Huhn allein.

RONALD MCDONALD:
> Um Frau Bratbecker zu begrüßen.

Jokes to Tell after the 6th Beer:

2009-12-17T04:59:00.000-08:00

Q: Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A: When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
-
Q: What do rednecks do for Halloween?
A: Pump kin.
-
Q: How can you spot a blind guy at the nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.
-
Q: Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A: The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
-
Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A: She is the one who can eat the last donut.
-
Q: What's the definition of "virginity?"
A: A big issue over a little tissue.
-
Q: What do you do when your Kotex catches fire?
A: Throw it on the floor and tampon it.
-
Q: How are women like screen doors?
A: Once they get banged a few times they loosen up.
-
Q: Why don't women need driver's licenses?
A: There's no road between the bedroom and the kitchen.
-
Q: Did you hear about the confused Canadian Mountie?
A: He jumped on his whistle and blew his horse.
-
Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels?
A: More head room.

What Men Think (even if they don’t say it loud):

2009-12-17T04:57:00.000-08:00

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive forever by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Advertisement – A Moment of Clarity

2009-12-17T04:56:00.001-08:00

He Said, She Said:

2009-12-17T04:54:00.000-08:00

He said to me: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said: You wear pants don't you?

He said to me: Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said: That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said: Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said: They don't have time.

He said: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said: We don't know; it has never happened.

He said: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said: They already have boyfriends.

She said: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
He said: A widow.

He said : Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

He said: Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said: I would but you're never there.

He said: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said: We don't know; it has never happened.

New From Glade.

2009-12-17T04:53:00.000-08:00

Get Your Diploma Now!

2009-12-17T04:52:00.000-08:00

America's only Genuine Diploma Mill – Get One Now!

Indians are different

2009-12-04T03:12:00.001-08:00

Jokes Your Parents Would Tell

2009-12-04T03:06:00.000-08:00

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I can't see the big deal with calling a Pakistani a Paki. It's just the same as calling an Australian an Aussie, a Scotsman a Scot or a Frenchman a skunk…

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a guy hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning!" He replied, "No, just taking a pee."

Went to my first Muslim birthday party last week… The “Musical Chairs” was a bit slow, but my God, “Pass the Parcel” sure was quick!

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

I'm not racist; racism is a crime, and crime is for black people.

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic guy shouted, "Hey, what's your disability?" I said, "Tourettes! Now you.. ?&*^%)#... get the *@^+$% off my back!"

15 More Oxymorons

2009-12-04T03:03:00.000-08:00

Advanced BASIC
Almost exactly
American history
Childproof
Christian Scientists
Computer jock
Diet ice cream
Living dead
New classic
Same difference
Silent scream
Synthetic natural gas
Temporary tax increase
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Honest politician

2009-12-04T03:02:00.000-08:00

I haven’t drunk a Bud in years, luckily, but they do make fun commercials.

Create your own South Park character

2009-12-04T03:01:00.000-08:00

Click here.

The Ugly American

2009-12-04T02:56:00.000-08:00

ALICE B. TOKLAS'S HASHISH FUDGE — Taken directly from her book

2009-12-04T02:54:00.000-08:00

(A great recipe which, as she said herself: "[…] anyone could whip up on a rainy day.")

"This is the food of Paradise--of Baudelaire's Artificial Paradises: it might provide an entertaining refreshment for a Ladies' Bridge Club or a chapter meeting of the DAR. In Morocco it is thought to be good for warding off the common cold in damp winter weather and is, indeed, more effective if taken with quantities of hot mint tea. Euphoria and brilliant storms of laughter; ecstatic reveries and extensions of one's personality on several simultaneous planes are to be complacently expected. Almost anything Saint Theresa did, you can do better if you can bear to be ravished by "un evanouisement reveille" (an evocative swoon).

Take 1 teaspoon black peppercorns, 1 whole nutmeg, 4 average sticks of cinnamon, 1 teaspoon coriander. These should all be pulverised in a mortar. About a handful each of stoned dates, dried figs, shelled almonds and peanuts: chop these and mix them together. A bunch of Cannabis sativa can be pulverised. This along with the spices should be dusted over the mixed fruit and nuts, kneaded together. About a cup of sugar dissolved in a big pat of butter. Rolled into a cake and cut into pieces or made into balls about the size of a walnut, it should be eaten with care. Two pieces are quite sufficient.

Obtaining the Cannabis may present certain difficulties, but the variety known as Cannabis sativa grows as a common weed, often unrecognised, everywhere in Europe, Asia and parts of Africa; besides being cultivated as a crop for manufacture of rope. In the Americas, while often discouraged, its cousin, called Cannabis indica, has been observed even in city window boxes. It should be picked and dried as soon as it has gone to seed and while the plant is still green."

Jesus...

2009-12-04T02:53:00.001-08:00

More Ponderisms

2009-12-04T02:28:00.000-08:00

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor....
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)
Money can't buy happiness - but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a BMV than in a Yugo.
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking.
Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it.
It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Eat right, exercise – die anyway.
You there! Out of the Gene Pool – Now!
I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to.
Ax me about Ebonics.

Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel.
Boldly going nowhere.
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE — PLANT A MAN.
All men are animals — some just make better pets.
A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Don't Drink and Drive. You might hit a bump and spill something.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Red meat is not bad for you – fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.
One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.
Friends don't let friends take ugly people home.

Gaseous clouds have been detected around Uranus.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
The more I learn about terrorism, the more I understand the phone company.

The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.
A day without sunshine is like night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the fuck happened?"

Just remember: If the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

Music Video: The Ghastly Ones

2009-12-04T02:26:00.000-08:00

Actually, a pretty crappy video – but the music is great!

Got A Dirty Monitor?

2009-12-04T02:23:00.000-08:00

Click here.

Great Pumpkins that would have made Linus happy!

2009-10-30T09:14:00.000-07:00

Sledgehammer - Peter Gabriel

2009-10-20T04:19:00.001-07:00

My Birthday: Nov 15, 1962

2009-10-20T04:04:00.001-07:00

Natural disasters in 1962
• Columbus Day Storm of 1962
• North Sea flood of 1962
People who died on November 15 (various years)
• 2006 - David K. Wyatt, American historian
• 2006 - Ana Carolina Reston, Brazilian model
• 2005 - Arto Salminen, Finnish writer
• 2005 - Dr. Adrian Rogers, American Southern Baptist Minister and leader
• 2004 - John Morgan, Canadian comedian
• 2004 - Elmer L. Andersen, Governor of Minnesota
• 2003 - Laurence Tisch, American businessman
• 2003 - Dorothy Loudon, American actress
• 2003 - Ray Lewis, Canadian athlete
• 2002 - Myra Hindley, English murderer
• 1998 - Stokely Carmichael, American civil rights activist
• 1997 - Saul Chaplin, American composer and musical director
• 1996 - Alger Hiss, American government official and alleged spy
• 1994 - Elizabeth George Speare, American author
• 1990 - Alydar, American racehorse
• 1988 - Billo Frómeta, Dominican orchestra conductor, arranger and composer
• 1983 - Charlie Grimm, American baseball player
• 1982 - Martin De Alzaga, Argentine racing driver
• 1978 - Margaret Mead, American anthropologist
• 1976 - Jean Gabin, French actor
• 1971 - Edie Sedgwick, American actress and model
• 1971 - Rudolf Abel, Soviet spy
• 1967 - Michael J. Adams, American test pilot
• 1965 - Dawn Powell, American poet
• 1963 - Fritz Reiner, Hungarian conductor
• 1961 - Elsie Ferguson, American actress (b.1883)
• 1959 - Charles Thomson Rees Wilson, Scottish physicist, Nobel laureate
• 1958 - Tyrone Power, American actor
• 1954 - Lionel Barrymore, American actor
• 1949 - Nathuram Godse and Narayan Apte, conspirators against Mahatma Gandhi (b. Narayan Apte - 1911)
• 1919 - Alfred Werner, German chemist, Nobel laureate
• 1917 - Émile Durkheim, French sociologist
• 1916 - Henryk Sienkiewicz, Polish author, Nobel laureate
• 1910 - Wilhelm Raabe, German writer
• 1908 - Empress Dowager Cixi, Chinese ruler
• 1853 - Queen Maria II of Portugal
• 1819 - Daniel Rutherford, Scottish chemist and physician
• 1795 - Charles-Amédée-Philippe van Loo, French painter
• 1794 - John Witherspoon, American signer of the Declaration of Independence
• 1787 - Christoph Willibald Gluck, German composer
• 1712 - Charles Mohun, 4th Baron Mohun, English politician
• 1712 - James Douglas, 4th Duke of Hamilton, Scottish nationalist
• 1706 - Tsangyang Gyatso, 6th Dalai Lama
• 1691 - Aelbert Cuyp, Dutch painter
• 1670 - Comenius, Czech writer
• 1630 - Johannes Kepler, German astronomer and mathematician
• 1628 - Roque Gonzales, Paraguayan missionary
• 1579 - Ferenc Dávid, Hungarian religious reformer
• 1544 - King Jungjong of Joseon
• 1463 - Giovanni Antonio del Balzo Orsini, Prince of Taranto and Constable of Naples
• 1280 - Albertus Magnus, German theologian, bishop, and philosopher
• 1136 - Margrave Leopold III of Austria
• 1028 - Constantine VIII Byzantine Emperor (b. 960)
• 655 - Penda, King of Mercia

124,697 People

Created by OnePlusYou - Free Online Dating

The Average (Racist) American Family

2009-10-20T04:00:00.000-07:00

WORDS WOMEN USE

2009-10-20T03:58:00.000-07:00

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine".

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

Say What?

2009-10-20T03:54:00.000-07:00

Trail of the Screaming Forehead

2009-10-20T03:51:00.000-07:00

True Things You Learn From Porn Movies

2009-10-20T03:48:00.000-07:00

1. Women wear high heels to bed.
2. Men are never impotent.
3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
8. Women always orgasm when men do.
9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.
10. All women are noisy fucks.
11. People in the 70s couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
12. Those tits are real.
13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
15. If there are two of them they "high five" each other (and the girl isn't disgusted!).
16. Double penetration makes women smile.
17. Asian men don't exist.
18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.
19. There's a plot.
20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.
21. Nurses love to suck patient's cocks.
22. Men always pull out and masturbate at the end.
23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before joining in and fucking the both of you.
24. Women never have headaches… or periods.
25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to keep reminding her to "suck it".
26. Assholes are always clean.
27. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there.
29. Men don't have to beg.
30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.

The Gay Pimp - Soccer Practice

2009-10-20T03:47:00.000-07:00

What Men Know

2009-10-20T03:45:00.000-07:00

Men know that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked women.

Men know that PMS is Mother Nature’s way of telling you to get out of the house.

Men know that if she looks like your mother, run.

Men know that there are at least three sides to every story; his, hers, and the truth.

Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.

Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.

Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.

Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.

Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.

Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage.

Men also know that the woman will get pissed off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.

Men know that the reason men don't like cats is because they don't know how to cook them.

Men know that there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless her name is Bambi....

Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.

Bad Day at the Office

2009-10-20T03:43:00.001-07:00

Popular Personalities Talk Sex

2009-10-20T03:38:00.000-07:00

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Woody Allen

Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant.

George Burns

It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

George Burns

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

Billy Crystal

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.

Robert De Niro

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Rodney Dangerfield

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?

Dustin Hoffman

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.

Lynn Lavner

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.

Steve Martin

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Jack Nicholson

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

Camille Paglia

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.

Elmo Phillips

It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom.

Joan Rivers

There's very little advice in men's magazines because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!'

Jerry Seinfeld

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

Sharon Stone

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Oscar Wilde

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

Robin Williams

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Robin Williams

Familjen - Det snurrar i min skalle

2009-10-20T03:37:00.001-07:00

Kierkegaard's Toilet

WAYS TO TURN MEN DOWN

Virginia O'Brien – Say That We'll Be Sweethearts Again

Lunchtime

Hah Hah Hah – Jokes Sure To Improve Your Popularity

¡Viva Calaca!. Day of the Dead

A Fit Body Is A Beautiful Body

It's the Law!

Where The Hell Is Matt?

Please, Jesus...

Poetry by Sex

Trailer: Zombie Jesus

Are You Gay?

Dear Friends and Relatives

Your Favorite Martian — Zombie Love Song

Big Hair

Urban Legend: Quotes Taken From Actual Federal Employee Performance Evaluations

Film Excerpt: Gold Diggers of 1935 – Lulliby of Broadway

The World's Best Blog / The World's Worst Blog

50 Phrases You Wish You Could Say At Work

Things to keep in mind if you ever go to a Bath House

Music Video: Boys And Girls (Ode To Ed Wood)

Jokes for the Ladies

LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES: USE BIRTH CONTROL.

The Whys of Men

Simon's Sister's Dog 'Fed Up'

Journal Dog, Journal Cat

Simon’s Cat

Gay Wisdom

Advertisement

How to entertain yourself while your wife/gf/partner/female friend/mother is taking her time shopping

Advertisement: Evian Roller Babies (international version)

FOR LEXOPHILES & DRIVERS

Yet Another Condom Advertisement

KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO

Raquel Welch: Space-Girl Dance

19 CLUES (For Women) YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO GO HOME WHEN......

Trailer: The Pink Angels

Not Funny: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Music Video: Steel Panther - Death To All But Metal – UNCENSORED

For My German Readers:

Jokes to Tell after the 6th Beer:

What Men Think (even if they don’t say it loud):

Advertisement – A Moment of Clarity

He Said, She Said:

New From Glade.

Get Your Diploma Now!

Indians are different

Jokes Your Parents Would Tell

15 More Oxymorons

Advertisement

Create your own South Park character

More Questions to Ponder at Night

The Ugly American

ALICE B. TOKLAS'S HASHISH FUDGE — Taken directly from her book

Jesus...

More Ponderisms

Music Video: The Ghastly Ones

Got A Dirty Monitor?

Great Pumpkins that would have made Linus happy!

Sledgehammer - Peter Gabriel

My Birthday: Nov 15, 1962

The Average (Racist) American Family

WORDS WOMEN USE

Say What?

Trail of the Screaming Forehead

True Things You Learn From Porn Movies

The Gay Pimp - Soccer Practice

What Men Know

Bad Day at the Office

Popular Personalities Talk Sex

Familjen - Det snurrar i min skalle