Gay Wisdom

If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in sick to work: "Hello. Can't work today, still queer."

Robin Tyler

I'd rather be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother.

Charles Pierce

"Dear Abby," In response to a reader who complained that a gay couple was moving in across the street and wanted to know what he could do to improve the quality of the neighborhood: 'You could move.'

Abigail Van Buren

The one bonus of not lifting the ban on gays in the military is that the next time the government mandates a draft, we can all declare we are homosexual instead of running off to Canada.

Lorne Bloch

Why can't they have gay people in the army? Personally, I think they are just afraid of a thousand guys with M16s going, "Who'd you call a faggot?"

Jon Stewart

My lesbianism is an act of Christian charity. All those women out there praying for a man, and I'm giving them my share.

Rita Mae Brown

Soldiers who are not afraid of guns, bombs, capture, torture or death say they are afraid of homosexuals. Clearly we should not be used as soldiers; we should be used as weapons.

Letter to the Editor, The Advocate

You don't have to be straight to be in the military; you just have to be able to shoot straight.
Barry Goldwater

Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands?

Ernest Gaines

My own belief is that there is hardly anyone whose sexual life, if it were broadcast, would not fill the world at large with surprise and horror.

W. Somerset Maugham

Drag is when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.

Author Unknown

If male homosexuals are called "gay," then female homosexuals should be called "ecstatic."

Shelly Roberts

My mother took me to a psychiatrist when I was fifteen because she thought I was a latent homosexual. There was nothing latent about it.

Amanda Bearse

It always seemed to me a bit pointless to disapprove of homosexuality. It's like disapproving of rain....

Francis Maude

The only queer people are those who don't love anybody....

Rita Mae Brown

The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision.

Lynn Lavner

If Michelangelo had been straight, the Sistine Chapel would have been wallpapered.

Robin Tyler

Pronouns make it hard to keep our sexual orientation a secret when our co-workers ask us about our weekend. "I had a great time with... them." Great! Now they don't think you're queer - just a big slut!

Judy Carter

I get sick of listening to straight people complain about, "Well, hey, we don't have a heterosexual-pride day, why do you need a gay-pride day?" I remember when I was a kid I'd always ask my mom: "Why don't we have a Kid's Day? We have a Mother's Day and a Father's Day, but why don't we have a Kid's Day?" My mom would always say, "Every day is Kid's Day." To all those heterosexuals that bitch about gay pride, I say the same thing: Every day is heterosexual-pride day! Can't you people enjoy your banquet and not pee on those of us enjoying our crumbs over here in the corner?

Adam Row