Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Dear Friends and Relatives

Dear Friends and Relatives,

I thought that I should share the news with you that I have finally seen the light and realized that, amongst other things, The Bible is indeed the way. It does so much to educate people regarding God's law. I have learned a great deal from it as of recent and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination.

Still, some points remain mysterious to me – probably due to my heathen past – and I thought that some fellow Americans still living in God’s Chosen Country could help supply the answers. Perhaps some of you could help me regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them:

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are from neighboring nations. A friend of mine from the US claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not to Canadians. Can anyone clarify? Why can't he own Canadians? Likewise, the owner of the snack bar downstairs says we are allowed to purchase the Italian and Swiss, but not the Danish, Dutch, French, Polish, Luxembourgian or Czech. Why is that? The Polish are woman much better looking than the Dutch…

2. Not that I yet have one, but if I did have a daughter and I wanted to sell her into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7, in this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? Are implants a justifiable reason to charge more?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is: how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors next door. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. The neighbors downstairs insist on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states that they should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill them myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there "degrees" of abomination? And although there are surely some vegetarians amongst them, surely we should punish the Japanese en mass for inventing Sushi… or was the earthquake and Fukishima enough? And what about the French and frog legs? Should we not declare war upon them?

7. Luckily, my testicles are fine, but Lev. 21:20 also states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them (Lev. 24:10-16)? Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws (Lev. 20:14)?

I am sure that someone amongst you has studied the Good Book much longer than I and thus enjoys considerable more expertise in such matters, so I am confident that someone can help. I await to learn more of God’s Wisdom.

Love, and remember: God's word is eternal and unchanging.

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