If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor....
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)
Money can't buy happiness - but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a BMV than in a Yugo.
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor....
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)
Money can't buy happiness - but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a BMV than in a Yugo.
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking.
Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it.
It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Eat right, exercise – die anyway.
You there! Out of the Gene Pool – Now!
I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to.
Ax me about Ebonics.
Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel.
Boldly going nowhere.
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE — PLANT A MAN.
All men are animals — some just make better pets.
A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Don't Drink and Drive. You might hit a bump and spill something.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Red meat is not bad for you – fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.
One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.
Friends don't let friends take ugly people home.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking.
Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it.
It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Eat right, exercise – die anyway.
You there! Out of the Gene Pool – Now!
I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to.
Ax me about Ebonics.
Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel. Boldly going nowhere.
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE — PLANT A MAN.
All men are animals — some just make better pets.
A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Don't Drink and Drive. You might hit a bump and spill something.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Red meat is not bad for you – fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.
One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.
Friends don't let friends take ugly people home.
Gaseous clouds have been detected around Uranus.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
The more I learn about terrorism, the more I understand the phone company.
The more I learn about terrorism, the more I understand the phone company.
The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.A day without sunshine is like night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Just remember: If the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
No comments:
Post a Comment