Kierkegaard's Toilet

Friday, June 24, 2011

50 Phrases You Wish You Could Say At Work

1. Ahhh…I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again…
2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…
8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.
14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
24. You sound reasonable… Time to up the medication.
25. Who me? I just wander from room to room
26. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be…?
27.Do I look like a people person?
28. This isn’t an office. It‘s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
29. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
31. You!… Off my planet!
32. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
33. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
34. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
35. Allow me to introduce my selves.
36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
37.Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
38. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
40. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
41. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
42. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
43. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door 1?
44. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
45. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
46. Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
47.How do I set a laser printer to stun?
48. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
49. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
50. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Things to keep in mind if you ever go to a Bath House

RULES OF THE BATHS

People wearing jockstraps tend to make it with other people wearing jockstraps. Nobody makes it with people wearing pink bikinis.

You can have a heart attack fucking in the whirlpool.

It is extremely hazardous to your health to attempt to inhale poppers while under water.

Saying "I'm resting" to everyone who seeks entry into your room defeats the purpose of going to the baths.

If everyone who said "I don't come here often" was telling the truth, there would be no one there.

Those who lay naked on their stomachs with their asses in the air remind one of electric pencil sharpeners.

Conversations in the orgy room should be kept to a minimum. Grunts, groans, notices that "I'm coming," and invitations to do it in a room instead are acceptable; discussions of the weather, ex-lovers, favorite lubricants, the quality of the darkness, and the pros and cons of cockrings are not.

If you are looking for a wonderfully spiritual union with a kindred spirit, you are in the wrong place.

Do not assume that the guys walking into walls are on some weird new drug; most likely, they have just left their glasses in their lockers. It is better to look good than to see good.

Once in a while, do your good deed for the gay: let an old troll suck your cock. Such magnanimous gestures are duly recorded by the Great Faggot in the Sky, and when you are an old troll, the favors will be returned in kind. Yes, Virginia, that's the way it works.

Please realize that bathrooms, even those at the tubs, do have legitimate purposes. Giving someone a blowjob in a cubicle while outside the locked door seven guys are turning various shades of green will not make you popular.

If you are tempted to wear a Lacoste shirt with your towel, understand that many people would find it a capital offense.

Finish what you start.

If you see a man in a room with a can of Crisco, a thick belt, and a bottle of poppers neatly arrayed on the little table before entering be certain you know the purpose of all three items.

When it's past the wrist is not the time to say "no".

It's okay to bring your own rope; it's not okay to tie yourself up.

Spending seventy-two consecutive hours at the tubs will neither destroy your reputation nor greatly enhance it.

If you are at the baths busily cheating on your lover, don't make a scene should you discover him there.

If you are at the baths and you see your father there, tell him you're resting.

If you are at the baths and you see your boss there, it is best not to blackmail him. Just do whatever he says. Trust me Virginia, you'll be rewarded on your next bonus or salary increase.

If you are at the baths and you see your brother there, head for the darkest corner - especially if you have all straight porn at home.

If you are at the baths and you see your Uncle, you might as well just leave - you know how much Uncles fuck you over.

People who say, "I've never done that before," should be informed that the ability to deep throat is not genetic.

Those who lose the keys to their rooms or lockers are never heard from again.

The law of increasing good looks: People tend to become more attractive the longer you are there.

In the dark all cats are gray, but ten inches is still better than six inches.

Men with small cocks can be sexually tremendous if they are technically proficient, but men with big dicks don't have to know a damn thing.

Doing it for England is as valid a reason for doing it as any.

A primitive tribe in Borneo does not have a word for "no" in its language. Natives deny sexual favors by looking mournful and saying, "I'd like to, but I just came."

After you've been fucked by twelve guys in the orgy room, you will never again convince anyone with your coy routine.

Asking to borrow someone's cockring is even more tasteless than asking to borrow someone's comb.

Law of maximum discomfort: When they call your room number or locker number to the front desk you will inevitably be in a position impossible to get out of quickly without seriously injuring yourself.

You can cause a panic by yelling, "There's a man in room 379!"

For a real hoot, go to the baths without having used alcohol or drugs. It is truly amazing how fabulously you will be able to make out when you are the only one there in a solid state.

Giggling is not a correct response to, "Wanna fuck?"

If you can remember the title of the porno movie that was showing in the "rest section", you did not have a good time.

It is pointless to consider why guys who won't even talk to you at the bars are so eager to suck your cock at the baths.

Spending more than two hours with one number at the baths makes you two "an item." More than four hours makes you engaged. On a good night, it is possible to commit bigamy.

For some unknown reason, it is considered embarrassing to make it with someone you already know.

No one ever believes the line, "We're really not lovers."

At all times, remember that tubbing is a participation, not a spectator sport. (Hmm… Olympics here we come.)

Spending hours deciding what to wear to the tubs is a particularly inane waste of time.

Never, NEVER, NEVER try to explain the baths to heterosexuals.

Possession of more than three bath cards makes you a serious faggot.

George's law of the weight room: People working out are doing it for your benefit, not theirs.

Formal attire means a black jockstrap.

Contrary to popular belief, one can indeed be too clean.

You can never be too rich, too muscular, or have too big of a dick.

Believe it or not, it is possible to have good sex without using poppers. A man in New Jersey claims to do it all the time.

And those are the Rules of the Baths. Use them wisely and pass the knowledge along to those newcomers who may need it.

Music Video: Boys And Girls (Ode To Ed Wood)

Music video by Jack Lukeman from his album Metropolis Blue on the label Razor & Tie.
It's a song I could have easily sung myself once upon a time…

Jokes for the Ladies

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor.

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manual."